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Petr Sykora, I adore Ya
19 April 2007 @ 12:02 pm
Lately things have been in a real topsy turvey. Maybe it's because the Oilers didn't make the playoffs this year. Maybe it's because Ryan Smyth was traded and I can't get over it. I don't know. Things are falling appart financially to the point where I just want to run away from this place. I think that we should sell our house, move to Saskatchewan and buy 2 houses, and pay off our bills.

I have big dreams.
Petr Sykora, I adore Ya
02 March 2007 @ 12:51 pm
I certainly hope it is just for now. I can't take not having him on our team. I am so disgruntled with this trade that I took off all my Oilers bling, removed the flags and the dingleballs from the car and won't watch the games on TV. What an idiotic move by management! One of the hardest things to do is find people with work ethic and dedication. Ryan Smyth exemplified these qualities. Now the Oilers can't even score a goal! They have gone 2 whole games without a point!

Shame on you Kevin Lowe! This is hands-down the worst decision that you have ever made. You have lost a lot of support from the fans whom pay your salary. I hope you aren't around next year.

P.S. If you sign Smyttie in the off-season then you are forgiven.
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: Sunday Sun - Beck
Petr Sykora, I adore Ya
06 January 2007 @ 12:13 am
Oh the horror of all of this
The break down of every scrap of self confidence that I ever possessed
I am empty and disenchanted with it all
It is never far from my thoughts
That I really fucked up that one
And I may never have a chance to redeem myself
I took it for granted
I thought it was strong
But I was misinformed and misguided

I hear the lyrics in songs and sometimes I want to cry
Lately, it happens far more often
I think of him, my golden child now removed
And my heart is heavy and my mind is full
The truth is
I miss him
But I'm tired and I cannot fight anylonger
I wish for peace
And if I have to die a little to facilitate that
I guess that is my lot.

P.S. I love Petr Nedved too.
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Warning Sign - Coldplay
Petr Sykora, I adore Ya
24 November 2006 @ 12:36 am
My Interests Collage!Collapse )
Create your own! Originally Written By ga_woo, Hosted and ReWritten by darkman424
Petr Sykora, I adore Ya
24 November 2006 @ 12:16 am

A dance
The struggle
I push
You pull back
I collapse
Exhausted by this repition
In threes you come at me
Perfect in the field of decor but not decorum
I must have been crazy to think that I could handle this all
Take them on on my own

He is but a child of 11
With his pre-emo sweep and his burning black ember eyes
He blames me and I refuse the blame
Turning back over to him
If this is the tip of the iceberg I am certain that
This wreck is goin' down
Get out before you drown

I have chosen to do this thrice
No wonder I am becoming an old lady

No back up
Noone in my corner after the commute from hell
Braving the elements and the insane
The dredge of society that chose ETS as their proletariat chariot
Mumbling insanity under their breath
Durka durka jihad
(Not even close to being politically correct. It's the new black you know...)

I need release but my pillow is much more seductive
Sleep is my drug of choice these days
I can't seem to get enough

Good night my darling
Make wonderful memories this weekend
I love you
Current Location: The Frozen Tundra
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: Self Help - The Turin Brakes
Petr Sykora, I adore Ya
Happy belated Sykie! I love you!

You are the best!
Current Music: Empire = Kasabian
Petr Sykora, I adore Ya
19 November 2006 @ 02:38 pm
So many things I feel so distinctly
I want to be a good person and do the right things
I struggle
I struggle with the blackness that creeps behind my eyes
The void that I have a hard time filling

There is this sadness inside of me, a dark place that cannot be filled
I fear that I am not good enough
That I cannot deliver the neccessities
Maybe it would be better for all parties if I just gave up on this charade
Oh, to go deep underground
Bury me with it

It is overwhelming, this fear
My exterior is calm, so calm
But inside it is a different story
I can barely contain my heart from bursting through my ribcage
Terror incarnate

The water's at my neck
My love is gonna drown

Why do I feel like I am not worthy of better circumstance
Past wrongs weigh me down, like sandbags of hate anchored to my heart
Swimming with the fishes
The guilty fishes
If only if only those fishes were wishes
Red paisley dishes

I just want to love and be loved without judgement
But there are so many obstacles to overcome
There is the meeting half way
Which ends up being more submittance on my behalf
I am not very good at standing up for myself
Why should I have to defend against people that I love?
Don't they love me like I love them?
Don't they want me to be happy too?

I am eaten alive by these questions
Queries with the teeth of pirhanas
Serated reality
Tell me this if you can
Why are there people out there that aren't neccessarily the most upstanding people whom are ahead of the truly good people?
Maybe it is the laws of attraction

I must change the way I think about these things
I will try
Try again
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Current Music: Be Here Now - Ray LaMontagne
Petr Sykora, I adore Ya
03 November 2006 @ 12:01 am

I just had to come and blow off steam about my fucking prick of an ex-husband, and how Griffin always tries to make excuses for him and defend him. I AM FUCKING SICK OF IT! The muthafucker makes over $60, 000 a year (and that was 2 years ago,) they just opened up their own restuarant, have a 3,000sq foot house and he STILL can't pay me my $435.00 a month maintainence on time!!! For years I didn't rely on it coming on the 1rst of the month (that is when he needs to pay me LEGALLY)but recently the Alberta Government put into effect penalties for late payment and I was getting my money on time. Griffin just broke his glasses and we need to replace them pronto because he can't see the board. We have no health care plan, so I told Griffin when I got my money from his dad we would go and get him new glasses. We went and picked them out and everything. On the first I checked my account and OF COURSE there is no money in it. Now Griffin is making excuses for his dad and saying that he's not mad at his dad. Meanwhile I am fuming because the kid needs glasses and his dad couldn't give a flying fuck about him and his needs. I have struggled his entire life to provide him with everything he needs and wants and his dad has done FUCK ALL. He started having some contact with Griffin at about 13 years old. I hate the fact that Griffin doesn't see what an asshole of a human his dad is. He treats Murray and I like shit and is always bitchy with us, but his dad is golden and how dare we if we say anything bad about him.

I hate that fucking asshole. Honestly, he is the only person that I might take out if there was no repricussions to murder.

And Murray isn't even here to calm me down or make things better.

Go oilers!!!
Current Mood: irateirate
Current Music: Best of Me - Foo Fighters
Petr Sykora, I adore Ya
25 October 2006 @ 03:49 pm
I want to write, to relay my experiences in the same prophetic ways that they have been unfolded. When someone reads my words and then replies "I have been through the same thing and I understand you," only then do I feel like my words are useful. It is important to me to write them down because it helps me understand myself better. I had revist events that have had an impact on me and relive them through my words. I relish in this activity. I often return to the scene of the crime through rereading entries in my journals, electronic and paper.

I want so much to be honest with these pages, with myself. Unfortunately several bad experiences online have silenced me in regards to laying myself bare here. I know that I am not hard to find, because I am not a liar or a fake. I never try to be someone that I am not. I just am who I am, and that is all. Of course we all change slightly through the years and certain things are not as important to me as they once were. I still acknowledge them and pay my respects to them for moulding me into who I've become. For the most part, I really like me. The only thing about me that I don't like is the extra weight that I carry around. I believe that is quite a common occurance!

I guess what I am trying to say is that this journal will be all over the map. I don't know who I am trying to explain this too. The only person who reads this (that I know of...or want to know of for that matter...) already has a good grasp of who I am and how I relay my feelings and experiences. I guess I am just trying to get used to writing in long form and to practice telling stories with words, however I choose to package them. I want so badly to write something of meaning, something that someone else would like to read.

The closest thing I ever came to that was my mattsgirl diary. My first diary, a complex and volitile work that reflected the chaos and struggle in my life at that point. The words of that diary still move me and I wish at that point I would have been more disciplined and could have pumped out something fiction that fed off of that mood. Sometimes I think I still would like to publish those words. I am a dreamer of the most profound nature!!!

As this diary continues I might try and revist some of my previous writings or writing techniques. One thing that I would really like to revist are "The Beautiful Midnight" sessions. I think a good place to start would be with "The Eraser" by Thom Yorke or "Return to Cookie Mountain" by TV on the Radio. Now that I chosen the music, I just have to find myself a joint or 2!!
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: I Was a Lover - TV on the Radio
Petr Sykora, I adore Ya
23 October 2006 @ 12:51 pm
There is no light
At the end
Of the tunnel
Only the thick density of banality
I have been consumed by it
And it sees through my eyes

Wandering aimee-lessly through this world
Like I was in a coma of calm
Just once in a very long while
My eyelids flicker
And the horrorshow is projected in the cinema of my mind
Enough of the alternate universe
To feed the nightmares for a couple of weeks
To burn the evidence of ever having known
Emerging, Phoniex-like from the ashes

Downloading the lifetimes into my new frame
under the influence
All of them lost but still remembered
I drink the water of life
Gaining the power and experience of those before me
I hope I won't be found out again
No more death and dying for such an unworthy cause
Can't you just forget it?
Let it pass and go on
I did
I am okay with losing you

There isn't a bone inside my body that wishes to be malicious
(poet...still don't know it)
I don't want there to be hurt or plague
I just want to be done with all this
And you know it
I do not flame brightly
I do not hate
I do hurt though
When someone cuts me

I just want the comfort of my words and the warmth of my friends here
There was a time when I regarded you as my other half
So of course there is some degree of interest in your wellbeing
I just didn't want to interact with you
Neither did I wish you harm
As the maternal, loving individual that I am
I wanted to know that you were still breathing and if things had gotten better
I do not believe caring meritted you response
It is in the past now
I hope that it stays that way
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Crips - Ratatat